I assumed that if I could get more confidence in myself,

I decided that the problem I was dealing with was my "low
confidence", so I set to work to gain more.
I assumed that if I could get more confidence in myself,
that my fear and nervousness would go away, and I would be
able to just walk up and start conversations without any
problem at all.
After reading several books on the topic, and trying all
kinds of things to raise my confidence level, I WAS STILL
HAVING THE PROBLEM.
Around this same time, I was getting to know a lot of
guys who were successful with women. I found something
VERY interesting: Many of the guys who are good with women
still get nervous when they approach them! They have just
learned how to manage that little biological nervousness
and get on with what they want to do in the situation.
This was a major revelation to me.
Just realizing this allowed me to think from a new
perspective. It also made it "all right" for me to go and
approach women, even though I was still getting nervous.
And, by approaching a lot of women, I became very
familiar with the situations, which led to my nervousness
getting less and less...
All of these things led me to a personal realization:
FOR ME, IT WASN'T ABOUT GETTING MORE CONFIDENCE, IT WAS
ABOUT REDUCING MY INSECURITY.
In other words, instead of trying to get this "thing"
called confidence, I started working on eliminating my
personal insecurities.
I began to realize that the reason I was getting
nervous was because at an unconscious level, I was
PERCEIVING that:
-She has the power, I have no power.
-She has what I want, I have nothing she wants.
-She is attractive, I am average.
-I want her, she doesn't even know who I am.
-I will be interrupting her if I start talking.
-I don't deserve a woman like that.
It was all about insecurity, uncertainty, seeing myself
as less than her, and thinking that as an attractive woman
she has no reason to be interested in me.
In my mind, I was always trying to think of some kind
of unique, original thing to say so I would IMPRESS her...
and she could see me as the interesting, creative guy that
I imagined she wanted.
Well, after working on this for a long time, I have come
to the following NEW realizations:
1) The opposite of fear isn't confidence. The opposite of
fear is absence of fear.
2) Confidence can help, but it isn't the only answer to this
particular issue.
3) The MAJOR issue is insecurity. Once a person can get past
their insecurity, they are more free to develop and succeed.
4) The only power a woman has over you is that which you
give her - either on a conscious level or on an unconscious
level.
5) If you have issues with fear, nervousness, insecurity,
etc., it's a good idea to put aside your tough, manly,
"I don't need any help" side, and go find a solution.
ABOUT CONFIDENCE
If you want to go to the extra effort to cultivate actual
CONFIDENCE, then you need to realize something: Confidence
isn't a THING, it's a SKILL and a complex emotional/physical
state that can be learned, which can then be transferred
into
an unconscious state and state of mind.
But there is another side to things...
WATCH OUT with confidence, because humans that become
confident often become intoxicated with their new-found
power, and they over-use or even abuse it. Overconfidence
leads to real arrogance... and to the dark side. So if
you're going to learn how to be confident, learn how to do
it in a way that respects other people, not in a way that
turns them into objects for you to manipulate.
As you learn these skills, don't get addicted to your own
power and let it turn you into a manipulator.
GETTING PAST INSECURITY
So how do you go about getting past insecurity?
Great questions... and I have an exercise for you to use:
1) Go out and talk to 100 women over the next 30 days, and
keep a record of everything that happens. Talk to 3 new
women every day for 30 days.
2) DON'T make any attempts to pursue these women in a
romantic way. In fact, make sure you approach each situation
with the idea that you are NOT going to have any
interactions with the woman ever again.
3) Your only objective when talking to one of these 100
women is to MAKE THEM SMILE. A good friend of mine who goes
by the nickname of "Orion" taught me this. Your goal is to
give each woman the gift of a smile.
4) After making 100 women smile WITHOUT THE POSSIBLITY THAT
ANYTHING ELSE CAN COME IF IT, you will begin to realize that
you DO have something to offer a woman who doesn't know you,
and you'll see evidence that you can give it to her.
5) Keep a journal of all 100 interactions, so you can see
your progress.
EXTRA CREDIT:
Write me an email at: SuccessStories@DoubleYourDating.com
and tell me about your journey. I want to hear your story.
Of course, there are a lot of other things you can do to
eliminate your insecurity. Self-Image exercises, real-world
drills, visualization and affirmation, mentors, and all
kinds
of other great options are out there.
In my eBook "Double Your Dating" I teach some of my own
personal Self-Image exercises and other techniques for
eliminating insecurity. In fact, Chapter 2 is all about
the "inner game" and learning how to overcome some of these
issues. If you haven't downloaded your copy yet, just go to:
http://www.doubleyourdating.com/ebook/
...and get it now. (Of course, it's also jam packed with
techniques for meeting and dating women!)
And I'll talk to you again in a couple of days.
Your Friend,
David D.
THE MAILBAG: GREAT TECHNIQUES FOR MEETING WOMEN
***QUESTION***
Dear David
First of all, although you've probably heard it a million
times - thanks for your work. It's really great stuff. I
have a question for you: Why is it that women like dancing
in night clubs, and many men don't? Is it important that a
guy should be able to dance even if lets say I don't like
dancing. How can one practice C+F attitude (which I love
and
I know works) if everyone has had a lot to drink and it's so
damn noisy & crowded & it's impossible to have a
conversation
with a woman? Also is it true that if you are able to dance
well, that women will be attracted to you?
I myself hate dancing, but every attractive woman I have
dated loved dancing, some of them I think even dancing
provocatively to make me jealous. The strange thing is that
I
have also noticed my mates that can dance don't particularly
get anymore success with women in night clubs than I do. My
female friends tell me that I must learn to dance, but for
what as I don't enjoy it and my mate's that do don't get
lucky.
So please can you explain what it is about dancing that
women
like, and is it worth becoming a good and confident dancer
in
order to get more dates with women and succeed once on those
dates.
Thanks in advance.
A.
A British fan